


If I Fall

by neighborhoodwitch



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Together, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:34:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27255766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neighborhoodwitch/pseuds/neighborhoodwitch
Summary: It’s been two years since Hajime spoke to Oikawa, and he hasn’t missed him once. He has his friends, his life, and his future spread out before him in the California sun. He doesn’t need Oikawa, he doesn’t know what Oikawa has been doing. So why does it suddenly hurt so bad to think about him?
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Kudos: 65





	If I Fall

**Author's Note:**

> this fic was inspired by empress by the morningsiders if you want to listen to that!! it can also be read as a stand-alone or after my fic brighter than a blue sky! thank you for reading! i hope you like it!!

Iwaizumi Hajime is sitting on his friend's lumpy, too small for all of them couch. He's not paying attention to the tv, his focus is on Ashely's pretty friend who is asking about Japan. He doesn't even realize when they change the channel, he's so busy with his own conversation they have to point the familiar sounds out to him.

"Hey Hajime," He looked up. "You played volleyball right? Wanna explain what's happening?" Ashely's friend giggled at the mention of his past athleticism. He turned to the TV. It was a professional match.

"Sure." His trained eye looked over the match. "So it's the San Juan team, they are losing, versus some other club team." The other team scored a point and one of San Juan's spikers stepped up to serve. It had been so long he wasn't sure why alarms were ringing in his head.

San Juan called for a substitution. "Wait why are they doing that?" James leaned forward.

"They are bringing in a pinch server most likely. They need a service ace, a spiker won't get that." He watched as the players cheered for the guy coming in. He must be good.

"What's a service ace?" Another person spoke up.

Familiar images of an arching, graceful body flashed across his vision. "When you get a point off a serve alone. They are really powerful." James nodded, watching as their pinch server spun the ball in his hands.

He tossed the ball up, then jumped high into the air, his whole body arching back. All that tension snapped forward, slamming the ball into the other side of the court before either team could react. The crowd lost it, his friend's cheered at how cool it was, but Hajime heard none of it. He knew that serve.

Slowly, his hearing returned enough for him to hear the commentators again. "Did you see that serve! That thing was stronger than a spike! Amazing service ace for San Juan by Japanese native, Toru Oikawa." He cringed at the butchered name.

"With a serve like that it's no wonder he made starter so fast. The guys a monster!" He couldn't breath, it caught in his throat when a picture of Oikawa was put on the screen. He was giving the camera his biggest smile and held up a peace sign, but it wasn't genuine.

His life had been Oikawa Toru free for two years. They didn't speak, he didn't look at his pictures, he didn't miss him. Hajime didn't know what team he plays for. He didn't know how he had grown. He had been free from that pain. Now it was all crashing down on him.

"That was insane. The camera could barely follow the ball. Hajime they said he was Japanese. Ever heard of him?" James asked innocently.

"Just because they are both Japanese and play volleyball doesn't mean they know each other." Karina snapped in an attempt to defend him, but he could barely hear them over the ringing in his ears.

Ashley spoke up. "I wonder how fast the ball was going? He hit it so hard."

Memories of an unfortunate practice his second year shoved its way to the forefront of his mind. "Fast enough to break your nose." He muttered, but everyone fell silent.

"What?"

"His serve, if you take one to the face, it can break your nose.” His friends gaped as he stood up quickly. “I need to go. Excuse me.” He gave a small bow no matter how many times they told him not to, and left the apartment quickly. Gasping for air as soon as he got outside. Everytime he closed his eyes he saw that picture. Toru. 

\---

Iwaizumi Hajime is sitting in his bed with the lights off and his nose practically shoved against his computer screen. His friends invited him out, but he declined. Ashley said her friend wanted to see him again, he declined, rather rudely according to her. They commented that he had been acting strange over the past month. They said he checked his phone more frequently, that he was even less interested in people than before. He told them he had been talking a lot to his old high school friends. Which was technically true.

He had been talking to Mattsun and Makki daily, he had even revived one of the old Seijou group chats from his third year. Everybody but Oikawa responded enthusiastically. Oikawa didn't even read the messages. 

His old friends were happy to respond all hours of the day despite the time difference. Most of them were university students after all. Kyotani had been playing division 2 volleyball for over a year now, but he still made Yahaba set for him almost daily. The couple had also just gotten a ragdoll cat together. Apparently one of Karasuno's old players and one of Date Tech’s had just joined the team so he had all their gossip too. Kindaichi and Kyontani wouldn't address each other in the chat, something about their teams rivalry, and made Yahaba be their go-between. 

It was fun, for lack of a better word. It was strange waking up as they went to sleep, but it was nice waking up to messages from them. He hadn't realized how much he had missed everyone, even over text he could feel familiar mutters and eye rolls. He knew when a particular message got Kyotani slapped, or when Kunimi was mad at Kindaichi for no reason. They got pictures of sea creatures from Watari and cats from Yahaba. He had sent his own of the campus and the beaches. Mattsun and Makki had sent one of them in the funeral home and were banned from sending pictures again. It was nice, it was fun, it was almost perfect.

But things can’t be perfect when there’s something so big missing. He felt it, he knew the others did too considering how much Oikawa was brought up. The only people he talked to were Mattsun and Makki, and apparently even that communication was rare. So Hajime had taken to stalking his social media, he was more than active on that.

He posted stories on Instagram of him and his team at practice, at bars, at the beach. All of it was documented. And in the forefront of most pictures was Oikawa, sandwiched between people he always seemed to pull closer. Hajime had stalked his twitter, from every promotional piece to his midnight rambling, he had read them. Every photo had been memorized, even the ones that didn't star Oikawa. If he posted pictures of these people they must be important to him. 

He told himself it was just a way of reconnecting with an old friend. He had talked to everyone else from high school. It was only logical he’d be curious about Oikawa’s life now. After the way their friendship had ended there was never a good enough opportunity to reach out, never a good enough reason. So he didn't. He lets the last strings of their friendship snap and sink into the ocean between them. But in his defense, so did Oikawa.

He sighed and closed his tabs of Oikawa’s twitter, Oikawa’s instagram, Oikawa’s ancient facebook that still had photos of the two of them. He just knew if he left them open, Mattsun and Makki would somehow know.

Their twin smirks as the Skype call connected made him sigh louder. They probably already know. “You were a little late Iwaizumi, strange for someone so punctual.” Mattsun said passively.

“I got distracted. I was putting off my weekly interrogation session.” It wasn't a stretch either, every call he got grilled about his friends, his classes, any partners, his hobbies. It went on for so long he was never able to ask any questions in return before they hung up.

“Ooooo what’s taking up our lovely Iwa-chan’s attention.” He all but growled when the nickname fell from Makki’s lips. He said it wrong, it didn't roll off his tongue the same way it did Oikawa. Nobody could call him that but Oikawa.

He crossed his arms, trying to hide his real anger behind fake anger. “I’ve gone two years without having to hear that name and I’m content with never hearing it again.” Mattsun rolled his eyes as Makki let out a low whistle.

“Two years… that's a long ass time. You guys really haven't spoken for two years?” He shook his head, he already knew this we would be an emotional night. “Thats crazy. You know he never told us what happened?” Oh, it was that kind of night

“He didn't? You seemed to have your opinions about the whole situation, Makki.” Makki’s eyes sharpened, it was probably petty of him to bring up how everyone had reacted to the situation. But he left before he ever really got over how it felt for Makki to pick Oikawa. 

“I had opinions and I stand by them, but he never told me what happened. Not really.” Anger flared in his chest as it did everytime he thought about the situation. He normally chose to ignore it and focus and the last few good months they had all had together.

“That's surprising, you two were never very good at keeping secrets from each other.” Mattsun chuckled under his breath, but fell silent quickly at his partner's harsh look.

Makki turned back to the camera. “Nope. Only from you, Iwa-chan.” Venom dripped off the childhood nickname and he felt his heart squeeze.

“What’s this about, Makki? If you were just wanting a fight I won’t pick up the call next time.” Mattsun rolled his eyes at their antics.

“I want you to tell me what happened. I have been trying to get it out of Oikawa for two years and he won't break, so tell me. Cause I’m sick of you both. It's ridiculous. You were attached at the hip for 18 years and suddenly, some huge blow up happens that is so bad you can’t get past? I think you're just a coward.” Mattsun hissed, a clear sign that he thought Makki was going too far.

“I won't reach out to somebody who asked me to leave. That's all I will tell you.” He pointedly kept his eyes trained just above the laptop, on a small Godzilla plushy he had been gifted all the way back in middle school.

“It's been two years, Iwaizumi! Why won’t you just talk to him?!” Makki actually yelled, something must be wearing on him if he loses his cool this quickly.

Sadly, it seems Mattsun is the only rational one between them. “Why won't he talk to me huh?! He has my number, he can find me.”

“Because he's scared!”

“What does he have to be scared of?!”   
  
“Of you being a massive, raging asshole like you were last time! You broke his damn heart and couldn't bring yourself to give a shit!” Hajime didn't have a response for that. Nobody had ever said it like that to him before. ‘You broke his heart.’ Had he broken Oikawa’s heart? 

Makki was up out of his chair now off screen and Mattsun was speaking softly to coax him back into civil conversation. “I didn’t break his heart.” His voice was a little hesitant, but he got the statement out. A lot of things had happened between him and Oikawa that fateful December, but never anything like that

Makki dropped back into his seat just to glare at him. “Uh yeah you did, you’ve got to be really stupid to not see that.” He looked to Mattsun for help, but he seemed to be siding with his boyfriend. “You might have been too busy to see it at the time, but the rest of us were still paying attention.

He opened to his mouth to bite back with another harsh retort. Probably a comment about how he wasn’t responsible for Oikawa and never had been. Instead, he took a deep breath and let it out. “Okay, this happened two years ago, there's no reason to fight about it now. If you really want to know that bad I can tell you.”

Mattsun cut in before another argument could start. “Iwaizumi is right, Oikawa has moved past it. There's no point getting mad on his behalf if he’s not even mad about it anymore. It has been two years.” Makki grumbled but nodded and got a kiss on his head for all his trouble.

He grabbed the water bottle on his bedside table and took a drink, giving himself a chance to reign in his emotions. “Okay what do you want to know?”

“I want to know why one day Oikawa was on top of the world one day then the next he could barely get out of bed.”

“It was right after you got together with the girl.” Mattsun added unhelpfully.

He grit his teeth. “I remember perfectly well thank you. No need to remind me.” Makki raised an eyebrow in prompting. He groaned quietly. “It was after practice on Friday.”

“Yeah date night.” 

“Shut up, Mattsun. Uh we were walking home from picking up some snacks probably. It was cold and he was whining so I told him to shut up cause I had something to tell him.” He heard mutters of ‘Runa’ from the other party, they never liked his ex. "Fuck off, yeah I was gonna tell him about Runa. He started acting weird, which made me nervous. Then right as I started to speak he kissed me. Then I-I said I had a girlfriend. He ran off and that was that."

There was a moment of silence. "Oh my god your both stupid!" Makki screamed, rousing a fit of laughter from Mattsun. "No wonder he wouldn't say anything!" He really didn't appreciate the laughter as he could feel the guilt bubbling up in his gut.

Eventually Mattsun got himself under control. Makki was still wiping his eyes. "Okay, okay. Oikawa panicked, you handled it terribly, then he ran off instead of talking it out. What happened next?"

Hajime shrugged. "Nothing, I gave him his space for the weekend and on Monday he was standing on the corner waiting for me. So we just... didn't do anything." Makki had his head in his hands while Mattsun stared at him. "Which was probably the wrong thing to do, looking back." He tacked it on half heartedly.

"Iwaizumi." Makki met his eyes through the screen. "You're a piece of shit. "

"Hey! I know it wasn't the best way to go about it, but he didn't bring it up either."

"Yes he did." Mattsun was the one that spoke. "He brought it up so many times it was painful. He never shut up about it."

"He did-wait, you said you didn't know what happened." They both shrugged. "What was this about then?"

"Just a bit of self reflection, a sign you should contact him."

"What?!"

Makki ignored him. "Oh look at the time, we've got to go. I'll send you his new number"

"New number?" He screeched, but they had already ended the call. Assholes. A few minutes later his phone lit up with a message announcing he was sent a contact. Instead of answering, he shut off his phone and attempted to sleep.

\- - -

He left his phone off for two days until his friends demanded he turn it on again. Then he spent another week looking at the contact. He didn't add it to his phone for another three days and let it sit there saved under an alien emoji cause that's what Makki had.

His friends knew something was wrong but everytime they tried to ask he shut them down. He spent hours thinking about what he should say to Oikawa. Agonizing over how he would react. And when he wasn’t doing that he was reflecting on everything that went wrong. But he kept those thoughts to himself, weekly calls home had dwindled, but nobody called him out on it.

At least until he got choked up in a lecture while they were talking about knee injuries. Particularly Oikawa's injury. His friends had confronted him after that, saying he didn't have to tell them what was going on, but he needed to figure out. He took that as a sign from the universe to just do it.

_ Iwaizumi to Unknown Number _

Iwaizumi: Hey.

Oikawa didn't respond until late afternoon. 

Oikawa: Iwaizumi?

Iwaizumi: yeah

Oikawa: how did you get my number?

Iwaizumi: Makki and Mattsun like to meddle

Oikawa: somethings don't change.

Oikawa: what do you want?

Iwaizumi: to talk. what are you doing?

Oikawa: just got out of practice. You?

Iwaizumi: just finished my last class. Have you been taking care of your knee?

Oikawa: lets talk later.

Iwaizumi: oh, okay.

Oikawa did not respond after that, even though Hajime could see he read the message. It hurt, but he told himself this was going to hurt, apparently he had hurt Oikawa a lot more than he thought he had. And two years of radio silence was hard to get past, even if seeing his name typed out like that hurt his chest. He was taking steps to fix this, they could fix this. He needed them to fix this. The hole in his chest that had lived there since he came to Irvine had become gaping in the past months. If he could get Oikawa back, he might just be okay.

\---

It took one week of awkward, stunted conversation for Hajime to call him ‘Sh*ttykawa’ again. It took two weeks before ‘Iwa-chan’ was typed in their messages. The routine they fell into came naturally. Hajime woke up when Oikawa was at practice, but it meant he always woke up to a good morning text. He would respond, then get ready and go to his first lecture. When he got out there was a response Oikawa had sent over their break, normally a complaint about the weather or commentary on practice. Believe it or not, they didn't talk about volleyball much, it was just a little too sore for both of them. Hajime would send his response on his way to the library where he would study, then grab a quick lunch and head to his next lecture. When he got out Oikawa would be done with practice and they would swap stories about their days.

It was weird hearing about Oikawa’s life in San Juan, but it was probably just as weird hearing about Hajime’s life at Irvine. For the first time in their lives they had friends the other had never met. They had hobbies and interests the other didn't know about. Having 18 years of knowledge on a person seems almost insignificant after just two years apart. It was terrifying and mesmerizing all at once, to relearn Oikawa through fragmented stories and short messages.

It was week four when they called for the first time. Hajime had just gotten back to his dorm, ignoring messages from his friends in favor of responding to Oikawa as fast as possible. He was trying to narrate the meal he was cooking and text. So Hajime suggested they just call, it was five minutes before he got a response. A single ‘ok’, then his screen lit up with a facetime call. He answered too eagerly. 

When the call finally connected and Oikawa’s face filled his screen he couldnt breath. This wasn't like the last time he saw Oikawa on the TV during his match, it felt like his heart was expanding so wide it was suffocating them. 

When neither of them spoke, he threw his head back and laughed, he could have sworn he heard a gasp from the other end of the phone, but then Oikawa was laughing. When he looked back at his phone, Oikawa was fussing with it, trying to get it to stand up on its own so he could talk and cook. 

Once it was steady, he stepped back and smiled at the camera. “Hey Iwa-chan.” His voice was breathy and his face flushed, but Hajime wasn't any better. Not when he practically whimpers at hearing his voice. How had he gone so long without him?

“Hi…” His voice was just as breathless and the blush on Oikawa’s face deepended. He could feel his cheeks heating up. They were ridiculous. “How are you?”

“Good.” He answered after a moment. “Better now. It's-its good to hear your voice.” If his speaker had not been on full volume he probably wouldn’t have heard it. It made his cheeks an even darker shade of pink.

“Yeah it's-yeah… its really good to see you. You look good.” When did they get so sappy?

He watched Oikawa bite back a smile. “When don’t I?” There it was.

“Nevermind. I take it back, you look like trash.” Oikawa’s bright laughter made his heart jump so violently he felt dizzy.

“You can’t take back compliments you’ve already given, Iwa-chan. Thats rude.” Again, hearing the nickname made something in his heart stutter. 

“Shut up. What are you making?” He had been watching Oikawa knead dough on the counter, but he wasn’t sure what he was actually doing.

“Im making empanadas for my neighbor and her son who is visiting.” Something in his chest did something weird, he wasn’t sure what that meant.

“That's nice of you.” Hajime hadn't been lying when he said Oikawa looked good. And the loose tank top he wore didn't leave much to the imagination. He had always known Oikawa was beautiful. It was one of those truths he had always lived with. But in the past two years the last of his baby face fell away, leaving him with sharp cheekbones and a strong jaw. Hajime could also see his arms which were now corded with strong muscle and his once delicate skin was tanned in the sun. His hair was shorter, but it still fell in artful waves, Hajime missed running his fingers through it.

Oikawa hummed. "Yeah, she is this lovely old woman, but she tried to set me up with her daughter." He chuckled at his own memories. "That didn't work very well. Then her son caught on, so she tried to set me up with him." Something in his chest twisted at the words. He wrote it off as the ache of no longer being part of Oikawa's life.

He realized he hadn't answered and rushed to get the words out. "So are you going to get with him?"

Oikawa barked out a laugh. "No. He might be interested, but I have no interest in a relationship. Dont have the time." The tightness in his chest relaxed. "What about you? How's Runa? Still together?"

"Uh no... we actually broke up a couple months after I moved." Oikawa hummed, eyes on his empanadas. "The time differences and long distance just wasn't working."

Oikawa still didn't look up. "That's too bad, she was a sweet girl." That was a lie. Oikawa had hated Runa and didn't try too hard to hide it.

He decided to steer the conversation that way. Everytime he had tried to bring up what happened he had gotten shut down. "You think?" He got a grunt. "You never seemed to like her."

"I didn't like anything but volleyball at the time." He answered.

Hajime snorted. "Yeah I remember, you made me run like a hundred laps every time I was late.”

There was a little satisfied smile on Oikawa’s face. “Well you shouldn’t have been late.”

He smiled in return. “Sorry, Captain.”

His smile dropped a little. “You know Mattsun still calls me that. It’s all he will call me too, says that ‘you’ll always be my captain’ b*ullsh*it. And Makki insists on calling me Toru ever since we got mistaken for a couple one time.”

“You still talk to them a lot don’t you?” The unasked question hung between them. ‘You talked to them, but not me. Why?’

“I didn't in the first year, avoided their messages like the plague, but I went back to visit last Christmas. I’ve been getting better about it. How about you? Talk to them often or are you too busy with your fancy American friends?”

Oikawa stepped off screen with his tray of empanadas, but a second later the phone was moved to accommodate his new position in the kitchen. “Shut up I don't have ‘fancy American friends.’”

“Oooooo look at me, I’m Hajime, I got to a big fancy college in California and have so many American friends I don’t bother to contact my old friends.” His terrible impression of his voice turned bitter at the end and Hajime felt guilt strike his heart. 

Oikawa had brought it up, so that means he's ready to talk about this. Right? “Listen, Toru,” Oikawa’s back went ramrod straight at his first name. “Sorry. Oikawa. I um-I just want to talk about it. What happened. Because I think there was some misunderstandings-”

“There were no misunderstandings, not from my end, now if you’ll excuse me. My empanadas are done.”

He sighed. “Okay, good night Oikawa.”

He watched the man soften again, pieces of the happiness from earlier shining through. “Goodnight, Iwa-chan.” Then his phone screen went black. That went well.

\---

A week passed without another call from Oikawa, and after how things had ended last time he was too scared to bring it up. And his friends noticed. He was walking back from the library, nose in his phone while Oikawa told him all about his plans to go to Brazil for the off season. He was so lost in the conversation that when the opened the door to his dorm he almost walked right past them all.

It was only when James coughed did he look up. He stared at them and they stared back from the semi circle they had made. "What are you all doing here?" His phone vibrated with new messages and he reached for it without thinking.

Before he knew what was happening, the device was jerked from his grasp. "This is why."

"Hey!" He made to grab it from Karina's hand, but she pulled away quickly.

Everyone gathered around her trying to read the conversation. "Hajime," James whined. "Why do you have to text in Japanese?"

"Because I'm Japanese." He snapped. Making another grab for his phone, but she danced just out of reach. "Why do you care what I talk about ? Give it back."

Ashely plucked the phone out of Karina's grasp. Shit. She had the best chance of reading the messages. "Nope. You've been obsessed with this thing for over a month. But you've been so sad recently. We were concerned."

"Well I'm just fine. No need to worry." Everyone gave him matching looks of doubt. Did they plan this?

He clenched his fists watching Ashely just scroll through his phone. "I can't read much, and he only texts three conversations. His whole phone is in Japanese."

James leaned in. "Can you read any of it?" Hajime growled.

"No, I can only read super basic stuff. But he's getting a lot of messages from this one number." Oikawa.

"I'll tell you whatever you want if you just give the damn phone back." Ashely handed it over with a smile. He glared in response. "Ask away."

"Who's sending you all the messages? Isn't it late in Japan?" He hated this already. He tried his best to keep his highschool friends away from his college friends. He liked it this way. He liked keeping everything separate. With his college friends he could leave Japan's customs and traditions behind.

"It's just Oikawa. He's texting me now because he's not in Japan." That answer just led to more questions. ‘How do you know him?' 'Is he Japanese?' ‘Where does he live then?' ‘What is he to you?’ All questions he didn’t quite know the answers for anymore. “We grew up together. He was my,” Friend didn’t seem like enough, even after two years, even best friend didn’t seem like enough. There was no word in english to describe the person you spent every day for 18 years with. Someone who you trust unconditionally no matter what happens between you. Someone you love in a way you don’t love your other friends. “Partner.” That seemed like a good answer.

Everyone looked at him until James spoke up. “Your partner?” He shrugged. “Like your boyfriend?”

He felt his face go bright red. “No. No nothing like that. We were just-” Inseperable. Two halves of a whole. Attached at the hip. I was his spiker. He was my setter. We did everything together. “Just, inseparable.”

“Mhm. You know if he was your boyfriend we wouldn’t care right?”

“I know that.” He snapped a little too quickly. “But that's not what we were. We did everything together since the day we were born. He was-he was my setter.” He got a weird look from James. “I know that sounds weird, but it means something. To us.”

He must have spoken with too much emotion, but Ashley placed a soft hand on his shoulder. “For someone who is so important to you, you’ve never mentioned him. Did you guys stop talking?” He nodded, she was always too observant for her own good. She could read him so easily. “Why?” Her gentle voice was prodding him towards an answer, he knew that, but it was still so easy to fall into.

“He moved to Argentina, I came here, and he didn’t want to speak to me. So I didn’t reach out.” And before he knew it the words were just spilling out of him. “We played volleyball together for our high school team, we had both gotten offers to all these great universities in Tokyo, but Oikawa wanted to go professional. He was our captain and it was his last chance to make it to nationals, but we didn’t make it. And you don’t play professional if you don’t make it to nationals. No teams wanted him. And right before the tournament I got this girlfriend, Runa, and Oikawa hated her. I don’t-I can’t even tell you what happened because it’s all such a mess. "

"What does you getting a girlfriend have to do with volleyball?"

He looked down at his hairs. "Right before it happened, Oikawa confessed, to me." It was the first time he had said it outloud. Oikawa confessed. To him. They had kissed.

"And you turned him down. That's fine. He should be able to handle the rejection." 

Hot tears pricked his eyes for the first time in what felt like years, and before he knew what was happening, he was telling them everything. He told them how close they had been before it happened, and how horrible he had treated Oikawa after the fact. He had been harsh and freezing in retaliation for feelings Oikawa couldn’t control. How he had practically rubbed his new relationship in his best friends face. He had skipped out of practice in favor of being with her because he couldn’t make himself look at Oikawa the same. He had been horrible. He watched the bags under his friends eyes darken as his limp became an increasingly prominent piece of his persona. He had watched everything Oikawa had built so carefully, and smashed it without a care.

“I broke him.” His voice was more strained than he had ever heard it. “I hurt him, and I promised to always be there for him. I let this happen.” 

“Oh Hajime…” The pity in Karina’s voice made him want to scream. He knew it was his fault. He knew he needed to fix this. But he didn’t know How anymore. Oikawa wouldn’t even acknowledge it, how do you turn a stone wall into an apology? Ironic wasn’t it. “You just need to talk to him. You were young, and you understand your feelings for him now.”

He sat up. “What do you mean my feelings for him now?” He met everyone’s eyes, they all looked away. “You think I like him don’t you?”

“I mean…” All eyes turned to Ashley. “Don’t you? Cause it sounds like he confessed when you were teenagers and you didn’t know how to deal with it, so you lashed out at him. Now, two years later you’ve reconnected and your feelings are still there.”

“But I don’t.” He stood up, ready to run from his own dorm to get away from his conversation. “Whatever you think I feel for him, you’re wrong. He’s my best friend, that's it.”

Ashley stood up, motioning for Karina and James to follow. “If you say so, but I bet you can fix this. Just make it clear what you want to talk about. You never know, maybe his feelings never went away.” 

He crossed his arms. “I know you’re a psychology major, but you pulled that diagnosis out of your ass.” She laughed lightly and ushered the other two from his room.

“Whatever you say, Hajime, but think about what I said.” He slammed the door shut behind them.

\---

He caved after two hours. Two hours of trying to answer the barrage of Oikawa's texts right after your friend flipped everything you believed for the last three years on its axis would wear anyone out. So he called him. And watched the phone ring.

Voicemail. He slumped back against the couch. Was Oikawa still avoiding him? It was hard to believe considering how many messages he got a day, but not a single one had been sent since he tried to call. What was Oikawa running from? He made it clear that his stance on the situation is firm, but couldn't their relationship only improve from talking about it? When had it become so hard to guess what Oikawa was thinking? Probably in the two years they spent hating each other, well at least he had been pretending

He was pulled out of his sad thoughts by his phone vibrating at his side. Oikawa was facetiming him. He was a little ashamed of the way he scrambled to answer, but the chance to hear Oikawa’s voice was too tempting.

Their screens connected and he was met with the sight of Oikawa with his hair plastered to his forehead while water dripped onto broad, bare shoulders. He felt his cheeks heat up, but that didn’t mean anything. “Sorry, Iwa-chan! I was in the shower and didn’t see your call.”

Okay, he can do this. “Don’t worry, I just wanted to talk to you about some stuff.” He couldn’t tell how Oikawa would react because he couldn’t see him. Not knowing was terrible. 

His voice was thankfully light as he spoke. “Talk to me about your day or talk about something I’m not gonna like?” He could sense the warning in the tone, but Oikawa came into view again with a shirt on and Hajime was effectively distracted. 

“Something you won’t like, but it's really important to me that we talk about it.” He watched Oikawa nod and make his way through the apartment. He could see the brightly colored walls and pictures stuck up as they passed, it made his chest ache. “Please-”

“Why do you want to talk about it so bad? Why are you insisting on bringing up the past? We are doing fine without talking about it.” He almost flinched at how cold Oikawa’s voice sounded, in all their years together Hajime had never been the unfortunate recipient of Oikawa’s rage.

He steadied his mind and his beating heart. “I want to talk about it because I still feel bad, Toru. I know I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was wrong and you deserve an apology.” 

A small scoff crackled through his phone. “I don’t want an apology. You have nothing to apologize for. What happened happened, I’m fine” He set the phone down on what had to be a coffee table, so Hajime couldn’t see his face. He was stuck looking at the dark wood fan that spun slowly.

He tried his best to keep his voice soft, Oikawa needed that softness. “I know that’s not true. And that’s okay. I was an asshole, and you have every right to be upset.”

“Asshole doesn’t even begin to describe what you were.” If he closed his eyes he could see the sneer that must be marring his delicate features. 

“I know-”

“No, you don’t know, you didn’t bother to learn so you don’t know. You didn’t care enough to even ask why I was so upset.” The words were spit at him, full of venom and simmering hate. This time, he did flinch.

“Toru-”

“Don’t call me that!” It was the first time Oikawa had raised his voice like this. At him. He could hear the frantic energy bleeding into his voice, it only increased as Oikawa’s emotions rose. “You don’t get to call me that anymore.”

“Sorry…” He quickly clamped down on the emotions threatening to bleed into his own speech. “I’m sorry. I won’t call you that. And I’m sorry I didn’t reach out for you for so long, I shouldn’t have done that.”

A shout of frustration from Oikawa’s end. “You sound like a recording! This is probably the same stupid speech you gave to that bitch Runa.” His voice raised and went all whiny. “‘I’m sorry I moved halfway across the world and never made time to talk to you. I shouldn’t have done that.’ It's exhausting!” He felt like he had been struck, Oikawa was right.

Runa broke up with him because he never made time to call her. He always left her texts on open for days. He had been the one who insisted they could do the long distance, that he would make it work for her. But he hadn’t. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” He scoffed.

“Of course I do! I know you, Hajime, I know you better than anyone else in the world! And I know better than anyone that you are lacking in the emotional maturity department.” It wasn’t the calm conversation he had been hoping for, but Oikawa wasn’t lying when he said he knew him better than anyone. Which also means he knows exactly what buttons to press to make him angry.

“Oh like you have any room to talk.” He sneered. “You threw a fit so massive you refused to get out of bed because I rejected you. Because you weren't giving my undivided attention to you anymore.” It was a low blow.

“I don’t care that you rejected me!” Oh… wait what? “You could have looked at my confession and laughed and I would have been fine as long as nothing changed. But that's not what you did is it, Hajime? You ran away and then you avoided me like the plague. You were late to practice, you rubbed her in my fucking face, you brought her to lunch when nobody else wanted her there. You couldn’t let me process in peace, could you? You had to make sure that I knew you chose her!”

Oikawa's words came at him so fast he felt dizzy. Why were they even yelling? "That's not what I was trying to do." He tried his best to organize his thoughts, but nothing seemed to line up anymore.

There was a scoff, "Really? Cause you fooled me and Makki." and Hajime felt his blood boil.

"You don't know what you're talking about. That's not what happened." Finally some of his own anger and pain snuck in. "You've got to be kidding right?"

"You don't get to tell me how to feel."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"I was in love with you!" Oikawa's voice broke on his tears as silence fell between them. "I was in love with you. I spent years knowing you would never feel the same, and I had accepted that. And by third year I was so used to loving you I could barely remember a time before I felt like that." His face came back onto the screen. His red face and wet eyes made Hajime's chest hurt. "We had one more tournament together, one last chance before we moved an ocean apart. I was okay with being rejected. Hell I was expecting to be rejected!” The laugh Oikawa let out sounded more like a mad man than anything else. “So I talked myself up, I told myself no matter how you felt nothing would change. I couldn’t lose, because I wouldn’t lose you. That was all I cared about.”

He felt tears well up in his own eyes, they never spoke about their friendship like this. They never needed to, it had always been clear how much they meant to each other. But maybe he had been wrong, maybe if they had just talked none of this would have happened. 

“But I lost. Because it felt like you hated me for confessing, and I hated myself for ruining everything.” Oikawa sighed. “It took moving to Argentina for me to realize it wasn’t my fault. I owed the truth to both of us, but I had no control over how you chose to react. What happened next was up to you.” And he reacted horribly. He had been horrible, even if he said that wasn’t what he meant to do, he watched the damage happen and never once tried to fix it. He watched his best friend destroy myself and didn’t care unless Makki told him to.

“Im sorry…” His voice was weak. “Toru, I’m so sorry.”

He watched Oikawa wipe away more tears threatening to spill down his cheeks. He had always teased him for being an ugly crier, but right now all he could think was that Oikawa is beautiful. "I know. I knew once you figured it out you would be, I just didn't expect it to take so long." 

"Why didn't you call me?"

Oikawa was quiet for a long time. "I just... wasn't ready to forgive you until now. " It wasn't forgiveness, not even close, but warmth spread through him.

There was another long silence between them, but it was no longer tense, it was actually almost peaceful. "Hey Toru?" He hummed. "What would you say if I told you I think I’m in love with you?"

Their eyes met through the screen. "I'd tell you to go fuck yourself." He nodded and didn't say anything else. They didn't say anything for a long time. Oikawa laid back on a white couch decorated with colorful pillows that stood in the middle of a beautiful apartment. He laid back on his hard, stained couch in the middle of his dingy dorm room. An ocean apart. A world away from their homes in Myagi. Eventually Oikawa hung up to go to sleep, Hajime got on his computer right away. 

\---

This has got to be the worst decision of his life. And he had made a lot of bad decisions. He stole handcuffs from a cop his first year of university because he had been dared to. His third year of high school he got roped into doing a maid cafe for the club fair. None of his stupid decisions compared to buying a plane ticket in the middle of the night. And to a country where he didn’t speak the language or have a place to stay. But they were getting five days off next week, and he was going to spend them in Argentina.

He didn’t tell his friend, he probably should, but he was so busy actually organizing the trip he had forgotten. He had actually completely forgotten about them until he was already boarding the plane. His mind was swirling with his last call to Oikawa, their stunted conversation in the aftermath. Everything culminated in Oikawa’s last message. 

‘I just can’t do this over the phone, I’m sorry Iwa-chan’ 

Well if he couldn’t do this through a phone, they would do it in person. He got the address for the San Juan’s team practice facility from Mattsun, though he wasn’t sure if he had it, and he had memorized Oikawa’s daily schedule the first week they started talking again. As long as today was a regular day, everything would work out perfectly. After the 17 hour flight he had to sit through. 

Said 17 hour flight was terrible. He didn’t have enough to afford anything more than a regular seat, but he was definitely too big for them. He had gotten sandwiched between the wall and a girl who was a little too excited to talk to him. It was a shady move to pretend he didn’t know english, but he did it because it made her finally shut up. It was hot and cramped and he still didn’t know any Spanish, but landing in Argentina made everything worth it

He managed to get by following the English signs and asking the right employees. Customs dragged on, then getting his luggage took forever, and anxiety over what he was about to do was pushing it was to the forefront of his mind. 

He had flown to Argentina without telling anyone in California. He had to find a way to the training facility and hopefully get it. Then, he didn’t even know if Oikawa would speak to him, much less house him. And he was relying entirely on Oikawa to make sure he wasn’t sleeping on the streets for the next four days. And at somepoint he was going to, hopefully, tell his childhood best friend whose heart he broke during highschool, that he maybe had feelings for him. Great plan. 

He managed to exchange some of his cash for pesos, and one of the girls from a car rental stand called a cab for him. The man loaded up his bags, greeting him loudly in Spanish, he responded in quiet English. That had been the end of their conversation. He showed the man the address Mattsun had given him and got a curious look, but the man didn’t press. Instead he listened to the Spanish pop that filtered through the radio, regretting wearing long sleeves. 

The building he pulled up to was sleek, the name printed in big letters on the side. He wasn’t sure why he was expecting to see a crowd of adoring fangirls surrounding Oikawa, but it was thankfully silent. He thanked the man and handed over the money, with a generous tip. 

None of it felt real, not until he was led to a side room and told to wait while someone fetched Oikawa. Oikawa. He was coming. He knew because he could hear a familiar voice speaking in an unfamiliar language as the receptionist led him down the hallway to wear Hajime was waiting. 

There was a split second when the door opened that he got to see that blinding smile, and in the spilt second his insane plan felt like a success. But the moment only lasted a second, it only took a second for Oikawa to realize exactly why he had been pulled from practice. Then, that blinding smile crumbled under the force of the rage in his eyes. 

“What are you doing here?” Even though they have spoken on the phone, even though he has heard Oikawa laugh and cry, and scream over the last few months, nothing compares to hearing that voice in person. Before he had even come up with a good response, Oikawa was muttering to the secretary in quiet Spanish, then shutting the door behind her.

When those eyes were finally turned on him, when he was left to be picked apart by them, he saw the tears they hid. “I needed to see you.” He confessed. “I needed to talk to you, in person. I need to keep trying to fix this because if I don’t I won’t be able to live with myself. Please Toru, just talk to me.”

If all his begging and pleading got him nothing but abandoned on the streets, at least he got the words out. “Follow me. We can talk, but we aren’t doing it here. My team might not speak Japanese but that doesn’t mean I want them hanging around.” He left the room, keeping his arms crossed over his chest, and Hajime followed like he was in a trance. He couldn’t say no if he wanted to. Not to Oikawa. 

The familiar sound of a busy gym reached his ears as they approached a set of double doors which Oikawa pushed open without hesitation. He never hesitated did he? Or maybe it was that he finally found a place he belongs. If only it wasn’t so far away from home.

He hung by the doors awkwardly, ignoring the whispers from Oikawa’s teammates, teammates he didn’t even know the names of. Oikawa was speaking in hushed tones with the coach, the man he had followed across oceans to train under. Hajime could see his stress, the stress he had caused, it was there in the way Oikawa kept brushing his hair back and picking at the hem of his jersey. All habits he had had since they were children, but Hajime knew it was only serious when he started biting his nails. 

Their conversation came to an end when Blanco held up a hand to stop Oikawa’s rambling, he always rambled when he was overthinking, unless it was volleyball of course. With a gentle shove, Oikawa grudgingly returned to his side. “Blanco says to go, so let's go back to my place.” He eyed the team warily, “Before they try speaking to you.”

He didn’t offer up any protests, not when he was being studied like he was an obstacle to overcome. “Alright. I want to see your apartment anyways, see what hellhole you live in.”

Oikawa scoffed and led him to the locker rooms. “I’ll have you know, Iwa-chan, my apartment is lovely and tasteful. Unlike you, I have a sense of style, or at least an understanding of the color wheel.” He looked at Hajime's outfit of blue sweatpants, a green Irvine shirt, and his old Seijou jacket up and down.

“Shut up.” He growled, shoving his elbow into Oikawa’s side. He didn’t like the fire it lit in his veins at the contact. “I just took a 17 hour flight for this conversation.” Oikawa just laughed as he grabbed his stuff, but he didn’t say anything else. So Hajime didn’t say anything else. He left them in silence, but it was a good silence.

Sadly, Oikawa’s apartment was both lovely and tasteful. It was small, but painted with soft colors and flooded with sunlight. It suited this Oikawa, a man with hard muscles and tanned skin. He will look good in Argentina blue. 

He was ushered to the same couch he had watched Oikawa cry on as he went to rinse off. He didn’t want to pry, he was an unexpected guest after all, but once he heard the shower start to run he couldn’t help himself. He would only take a peak.

He started in the living room, looking at everything from his furniture to the pictures on the wall. It wasn’t what he expected from Oikawa, he had always liked to collect and clutter, but his apartment was simple. Colorful, but simple. What intrigued him more was what he kept framed, that would tell him what he considered important. 

What he saw first was a small collage of photos Oikawa must have made. He smiled softly, they were all pictures of his family. There was a picture of the five of them smashed together on the couch and one that was probably taken a few hours later by his parents. It was him asleep on the couch with his sister and Takeru both passed out on his chest. He had mentioned going back last Christmas hadn’t he? There was one of him all the way back in high school with Takeru balanced on his shoulders. The last was when they were children and his sister was pregnant, Oikawa had stood in during the maternity photoshoot. The sight of his small arms trying to wrap around her while the both laughed warmed his heart. He missed Takeru. 

He made his way around, looking at pictures of him with Mattsun and Makki, his parents, the San Juan team. Oikawa looked… so happy in all of them, every picture displaying the genuine smile that used to be so rare. It was nice, to know he was happy now, even if it was without Hajime in his life. He couldn’t expect Oikawa to spend two years pining over him, he had made his own friends, had his own fun. It was only natural Oikawa did that too. So why did it make him so uncomfortable? Maybe because he hadn’t seen himself yet. 

He was so caught up in studying a framed magazine that he didn’t hear Oikawa approach. “That was the first cover I made.” Hajime jumped, and turned only to be met with Oikawa, wet hair and sad eyes. “You can’t read the Spanish, but it's all praising me of course. Diego framed it for me, so I would remember that taste of success.”

“Have you ever forgotten the taste of success?” He raised an eyebrow, finding it hard to believe that with all his success Oikawa would forget what it feels like to win. 

Oikawa, thankfully, laughed. A full laugh where he tipped his head back and held his stomach, he seemed so much happier than he had been in Japan. “How could I? I never lose.” It was strangely reminiscent of their fight. It reminded him why he was here.

“Look, Oikawa, I came here for a reason you know. And I-I told you before, I can’t live with myself if I don’t put everything I have into fixing this.” Oikawa didn’t respond so he kept going. “Honestly… ever since we started talking again, I’m trying to remember how I survived two years without you, and I can’t figure it out.”

“You were angry.” His voice was unbearably soft, too kind for what Hajime deserved. He opened his mouth to protest but was cut off. “You blamed me, I realized that pretty quickly after we fought. Let’s sit. Let’s talk.”

He sat at the small kitchen table for four while Oikawa made them tea. He moved smoothly through the kitchen, he really did belong here. “I didn’t blame you. I was upset, but I don’t-I don’t think I was upset with your confession.”

Oikawa set their tea down and the rest of the pot between them, then he sat across from him. “I think you blamed me, not for confessing, but because I took that first step into changing our friendship. And once that happened everything went bad, which was your fault by the way.”

“Yeah I know that now. Thanks for the reminder.”

Oikawa smiled into his cup. “Let me enjoy this, I’ve been wanting to tell you how horrible you were for years.”

The words still stung, no matter how many times he said then to himself or heard them from someone else. He looked down at his tea. “I know I was horrible. You were probably so scared to tell me, and I reacted worse than you could probably imagine. And it's not an excuse, but we were still just kids. I was scared of… everything; of things changing between us, I didn’t know what to do about Runa, and you were so genuine in a way we hadn’t been before. I was scared of your feelings for me, and I was scared of my feelings for you.”

Oikawa looked up with unshed tears in his eyes, and he knew his face was a reflection. "You didn't have feelings for me."

"I'm pretty sure I did, and I probably still do. I just didn't have a name for what I was feeling, so I kept it at a distance. I kept you at a distance for most of third year." He took a deep breath. "I was scared, but I'm not a child anymore. I know what I did and I'm sorry, now all I can do is try to make it better. But your forgiveness, that's yours to give, it's up to you now. " 

"I forgive you." He blinked. "I forgive you, Hajime. You said it's up to me now and I'm choosing forgiveness. I'm choosing us."

"You're choosing us?"

"You said you probably still have feelings for me, I probably still have feelings for you." Hajime could broadly hear him over the pounding in his chest. "I'm not saying we date, we should probably start trying to be friends again, but maybe we could get there."

He reached across the table and took those strong setter hands in his own. "Let's work to get there. We can do it together Toru. "

The soft smile was more beautiful than any magazine or picture. They could do this, they could fix this, all it took was a phone call. 

\---

_ Tokyo 2020 _

His clipboard was long abandoned on the bench behind him, he was barely even watching his team anymore. No, his eyes were trained on their opponent who sparkled in sky blue as they stole the third set. It was 2-1 in Argentina’s favor, Japan needed this set, but watching the ball spin in those setter hands, he was worried they wouldn’t even have the chance.

He watched it go up, then it was smashing into the court. He cursed under his breath. It was the fourth set and they could still barely react to Oikawa’s serves. Even Hinata could barely react fast enough. Still, pride swelled in his chest as he twirled the silver ring that hung on a chain around his neck. If Oikawa won he would be losing the bet they made back in high school, but damn if seeing the man he loves achieve his dreams wasn’t worth it.

Japan got the fourth set, but Argentina still got the fifth. Even once they formed some sort of defense against those serves, they just weren't strong enough. So he checked over his team's injuries and praised their playing before sending them off to cooldown. He watched the doors close behind their bright red jerseys, they had lost.

“So did they cry?” He jumped and turned around only to be met with a sweaty, smiling Oikawa. 

“You’re a piece of shit.” He growled, then pulled Oikawa into a hug by his collar. “I’m so proud of you.” 

Strong arms encircled him and he felt Oikawa’s sweaty forehead press against his neck, but he didn’t push him away. “I did it.” They stayed clinging to each other for a few more seconds before Oikawa’s coach called.

“You did it. You showed Japan exactly how much Oikawa Toru is worth.” His smile was so blinding all Hajime could do was bask in the light. “Now go to your team, I’ll meet you later.”

  
  


They did meet later. While team Japan was drinking away their grief at the bar, team Argentina was celebrating just across the room. Sure he was bitter they lost, he wanted nothing more than to see gold medals resting in his boy's chests, but he couldn’t help but smile watching Oikawa’s teammates pile different necklaces on him. He was proud of him.

He felt a nudge at his side, it was Hinata. He had come to love the energetic man, he loved Oikawa and that was a pretty big requirement in Hajime’s book, but more importantly he kept the team smiling. Even with red cheeks from crying after their loss, he offered a bright smile. “Go be with him, we will be fine. He’s going to want to celebrate with you.”

He looked up to where Oikawa was laughing with his team and their eyes met, the challenge was clear. ‘Are you coming or not’. “Well… I guess if you guys are sure.” He stood up before anyone could protest, he just knew Atsumu would have something to say.

He left his drink at the table and weaved through the crowd of athletes. Argentina’s libero caught sight of him and tapped Oikawa on the shoulder. His husband turned with bright eyes and a flush on his cheeks from the alcohol. “Iwa-chan.” His voice was much too soft for a bar like this.

“Hey Toru.”

“Iwa-chan, I did it.” He couldn’t help but smile. After everything Oikawa had been through, a lot of which Hajime had put him through, he deserved this win more than any of them. He had been rejected over and over in Japan, and now here he was showing everyone how wrong they were on a world stage.

“Yeah, you did. Come here.” He pulled him down by the collar and crashed their lips together. It felt like coming home. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading i hope you like it!!


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